7-22-99
This is my chance to tell you everything I feel that is wrong with the state, country, world, my generation, the older generations, the younger generations, where religion and politics crossed the line and went wrong, how pot should be made legal, how ex-boyfriends even though being ex's they can still make you cry, how no matter how cute you are you still can't get a date... even if you DO put out, and other things that plague my mind BUT....do to my current situation in life...I don't have the time nor the energy to elaborate at this very moment..maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe sometime next week, but I guarantee I will get around to it.

7-25-99
How come everytime you think you have found the man of your dreams he's already got the woman of his? Leave it to the powers that be to punish the single people of the world by deliberately making more of one sex than the other...so people would be forced to be perpetually single.....I just want someone to hold me while I fall asleep at night..knowing that someone loves me...is that too much to ask..obivously it is.. When I was "taken" people wanted me or at least led on they did..maybe it was just to be nice..who knows..but now that I'm single...yet again.. I'm obviously not as great as I was led on to believe...I cant even get laid let alone find someone to have a serious relationship with! When you're single (especially fresh out of a relationship) everyone knows how important friends are for love and support...but when most of your friends are married or in a serious relationship they tend to forget about you...unintentional as it may be..and you end up being alone anyway which is worse than REALLY being alone cause aside from the lonliness you're reminded that you have also been forgotten and no matter how many people tell you how cool you are and how this and that you are and how important you are in thier lives then you call and they can't even give you the time of day..HELLO would you rather rip my heart out? or would that be too time consuming? ok im sure yer thinkgin to yerself..."whata bitter bitch!" well...YEAH I am fuckin bitter! and I have every reason to be. This obviously isnt well thought out and kinda choppy as far as a point if there was even one..I'll elaborate or possibly delete this all together later..for now...enjoy..laugh..whatever...thats what I'm here for..your fucking amusement Final Note: Friends are a dime a dozen.

9-21-99
*grrrrrrr* Why must I be so fuckin' stupid? Why must I go for things/people I know I can never have in a millioin years? Do I like getting hurt? Personally I don't think so, but maybe it's some underlying "thing" thats makes me set myself up anyway..I don't know...I can't shake this twisting feeling in my stomache...makes me want to puke every waking hour of the day! WHY WHY WHY?! And why can't people treat me the way I want to be treated...Do I give off some kind of signal that attracks losers and assholes?! I just dont get it! ARG! Like I said before I just want to love and be loved! Not just in a relationship aspect, but as far as all people are concerned..I'm a good person dammit! or at least I tell myself that and I'll keep on sayin it until someone can prove me otherwise! Final Note: You CAN judge a book by it's cover...if you think someone's an asshole..they probably are!
1-7-00
Happy Fuckin New Year! Well nothing has changed...I'm still fucking miserable and it's not getting any fucking better. I have several "men" in perspective..but so far..none have REALLY tickled my fancy, nor have I tickled thiers...Like this one guy..he's a D.J. and he's really sexy..but I think because I'm friends with his little brother that he thinks of me as being some little kid. His brother is really nice..someone I could see myself with (in a platonic, yet SEXUAL way :P)..but he is playing mind games with me...however unintentional they may be. And there's my mystery man on icq that lives in the next town who I have never even freakin' seen but who does seem like a nice guy. Then there is my ex...who I love with all my heart....and if he asked me to..I would drop everything in a heart beat and go be with him...but I don't see that happening any time soon (him asking me that is). My gripe for the moment though really isn't men...it's me. First of all I NEED to apologize to a man who is prolly one of my best friends...Bob...I upset him a great deal recently and I didn't mean to...I didn't even know he was upset till the other night and now that I know what I have done wrong I wish I could take it back and have everything be the way it was...anyway..I love you Bob..you rawk! Having said that...all the other mother fuckers out there have NO reason to be mad at me...miffed at me...pissed at me...calling me names..staring me down...or ignoring me...I have done nothing! If ANYTHING Bob is the only one who has a legitimate reason to be mad at me in any way, shape, or form. I am sick of everyone's petty games...and I'm sik of having to forfeit my social life just to prevent anyone from being in an "uncomfortable" situation. It's rediculous...and I am not about to put MYSELF in an "uncomfortable" situation because I want to go out..its a lose lose situation for me I suppose...and totally uneccessary. It's bad enough my own friends don't like me let alone total strangers! Final Note: Ladies: If you arent a 18 yr old piece of ass...buy yourself a toy and stay home.
9-7-00
ALOT and I mean ALOT of shit has happened since my last little ranting. I have since graduated from cosmetology school, lived in Hollywood with yet another net person, moved back in with my parents while I stood trial for a crime I didn't commit, went on a vacation that turned permanant while my family was destroyed due to my fucking father's infidelity AND my grandmother died. I REALLY am hoping there's some higher purpose to all this shit...like I'll be a better person for it later or some shit like that. Otherwise I'm going to be pissed..NOONE should have to endure the shit I've put up with in the past few months. OH! did I mention I got shit on by yet ANOTHER boi?! YOU GOT IT! I would personally like to thank Jayme for helping chip away a little bit more of the person I was. A few more winners like him and I'll soon be nothing but a shell of a human being. I would have gladly walked away from this with a friendship and nothing more in hand..but he can't even give me that. He's too busy with his girlfriend. THAT'S RIGHT! He didn't want to date me,someone he's talked to for 9 fucking months, but rather an 18 yr old who is still in high school who he "fell in love with" in a matter of TWO WEEKS! after crushing my heart and then has the balls to get a 'tude with me cause I wasn't "happy for HIM!" What about ME being happy?!?! I guess that's to much to ask for these days. I'm going to end with this before I piss myself off too much...to be continued. Final Note: Trying to teach a redneck that there's more to life than prepubecent girls and shooting stuff is like trying to teach a dog not to lift its leg when it pees.
8-16-01
How's that for a gap between bitchings! *laugh* I have since moved AGAIN! I am now a proud resident of the beautiful state of Indiana. Living with...you got it...another net person! BUT! There is one thing that seperates this person from the rest. He's got a brain! It's a miracle really. HE'S a miracle. I don't think I could have met a better person. He has done so much for me in the short time I've known him. True, I shouldn't need people to do things for me for them to be considered great, and I don't, but it's the circumstances under which he did them and the fact that he didn't have to. There are so few that are willing to help other people without expecting something in return. At this point if he wants/needs ANYTHING it would be my pleasure. I am truely indebt to him. For once I really dont have anything to bitch about! :P I lost my job, but I hated it anyway. I don't really have friends here except for the person I live with...but on the other hand, after my previous choices in friends...I think I can do without them for a while. I can finally say, for once in my life, I AM CONTENT. Now I'm going to shoot for being happy. I'm sure it'll take a while, seeing as how getting to content took almost 23 yrs, but as long as I stay content in the mean time, it shouldn't be that bad of a wait. Enough of this for now. If I continue there is a possiblity this could get mushy. Final Note: Miracles are found in the most unlikely of places
2-08-02
Guess What?!?! I'm moving AGAIN!!! As my roomate says...I'm a nomad! This time I'll be taking up residency with another set of good friends off the net who you can see featured on the "Journey to the Secret Garden State" portion of this page. My roomate has been gracious and once again I have been selfish causing me to have to leave this wonderful man. I hope his new girlfriend knows what a prince she has and I hope she realizes it before he's gone. I can honestly say as wonderful as I've thought he was the entire time I've been here I'm truely starting to appreciate the little things now that I'm getting ready to leave. Before I get all mushy I'm going to end this. I just want to say I hope he forgives me because no matter how hard I try...no matter what I do...there is NO WAY I will ever be able to be to him what he is to me. There is NO WAY I will ever be able to make up to make up for what I lacked. And there is NO WAY I will ever be able to repay him for anything he's done for me. I hope we can stay friends for a long time to come despite my shortcomings. I love you very much. Final Note (cliche): You really don't know what you got till it's gone.

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